The whole car ride home my mind was racing, trying to find a lie to construct a new fortress of deception. See you just found out, through the district office that I had been ditching school. A lot. Enough to fail through the 8th grade. And oh if a glare could kill I would’ve been a smoldering pit when you got that call. But without a word you took me in the car and drove off. First to my school to and salvage my school year then silently again we rode towards home.
I knew you wouldn’t get loud in front of school officials, but now it was just us. Now I expected to be flung from the moving car, to be verbally torn apart and possibly even attacked. I don’t know, I was always an ‘A’ student. This was the first bit of real trouble you had ever heard about! I even thought of a prayer as we started to drive away from the home. I prepared for the worst.
I didn’t get that. You didn’t put your hands on me. You didn’t even raise your voice. We stopped at a park and you just talked to me. Calmly, you expressed how worried you were that I would fall down a path you’d seen too many fall down. Remember that?
And it wasn’t like I was becoming a delinquent or running with a bad crowd. I was just lazy. I got tired of the class and people and trying to be cool so I took “days off.” I really wasn’t even falling behind course work wise. It didn’t seem like a big deal at all to me. But now hearing all this I realized what I was doing to you through my actions. And fear would dissipate as guilt took it’s place.
And you stopped listing the concerns and just talked about what it’s like dealing with school and life and maintaining high grades. You made me feel like you understood me, you didn’t just hound me. And you told me how proud you were of me. And young Tony just couldn’t understand how you could see worth in him at this point but you did.
That’s something about you it took years for me to understand. Yes we had worse times and yes there were times where you did yell at me and times where tears were shed. But you always seemed to try and let me learn for myself. You wouldn’t judge my mistakes, you helped me work to fix them. You shared wisdom at the best times, whenever I seemed lost you helped me find shelter. No you didn’t lead me to my goals but you kept my head above water.
Remember when I told you I was going to be a pro wrestler after I graduated? I thought you’d lose your mind! I thought you’d be telling me how crazy I was, or try to talk me into a ‘safer’ career. But you, without pausing just replied, “It’s not going to be easy Tony. But I know you can do it.” And you shared more wisdom and lit a fire in me that to this day I revisit whenever I get down. That is what makes you so amazing to me. You just have this strong belief in me, and in supporting me.
For these reasons becoming a parent is a terrifying concept for me. The weight of every decision you have in a child’s life is overwhelming. When to act and be forceful and when to sit back, and let your child learn and when to trust in them and yourself as a parent. It’s a struggle I’ve watched you and dad undergo all my life. And of course, you guys haven’t been perfect but you’ve always been there trying and trying earnestly. A concept I surely didn’t understand as a clumsy shy child or a brash and prideful teen but on this mother’s day I can look back and I see it.
Every step of the way you’ve been there.
And you’ve been trying as hard as you can. Just for me.
Loving me when I pushed away and believing in me when I couldn’t believe in myself.
You haven’t been perfect, but your son never needed perfect.
All I needed was the love, patience, and willing to teach and to learn with me.
For that I will always be grateful, and blessed to have you as my mother.
Thank you for it all.
The Afroed Analectic 